


break my heart, baby

by dwarf_planet



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beta Read, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Clothing Stealing, Coming Out, Disaster Gays, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Homoflexible Spencer Reid, I don't like the end to be honest, I repeatedly referred to it as the pining fic, I will not die like men today, Insomnia, Kind of angsty, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, M/M, Pansexual David Rossi, Pansexual Derek Morgan, Pining, Possessive Derek, Protective Derek Morgan, References to Sex, Reid and Garcia's Friendship, Sleeplessness, Slow Burn, Spencer Reid-centric, Straight Aaron Hotchner, Straight Penelope Garcia, also this could be read as JJ/Emily if you squint, and projecting, because representation, brief mentions of sickness, but I mean if don't like Moreid this probably isn't for you, but again it's the same as the thing with Hotch, but they're super brief don't worry, enough pining to last you a lifetime, is that enough tags, it's not a sickfic though, just not in the title, kind of ? it's like one scene, nothing graphic, or as slow of a burn as a oneshot can get, or it could be read as closeted ig but that's a whole other story, proper capitalization, so much pining, this whole fic is pining, this work means too much to me, well let's hope so i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25426294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwarf_planet/pseuds/dwarf_planet
Summary: "Derek is gone. He always is. That’s one of the rules they agreed to before -before there were more soft touches, before Penelope started giving him knowing looks when he rattled on for too long about Derek, before people had started coming to him when they wanted to find the other man, before his head started forcing these thoughts on him, before the dreams where they were a real couple- that he regrets now."orThe pining fic you never knew you needed (or maybe you did, I dunno)
Relationships: Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Penelope Garcia & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team, have that, there's more obviously but i'm too lazy to tag them all so just
Comments: 34
Kudos: 214





	break my heart, baby

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to f0reverl0st for beta-ing, i love you <3  
> also a huge thank you to GreenPencil who hyped me up and read this whenever i asked
> 
> the whole story behind this was me being like "hm, i should write something a little longer than my normal 1000 words" and then 10k words of pining later...  
> i've lowkey been working on this monster so long i can't believe it's finally being published
> 
> anyways, please enjoy !
> 
> (P.S. i listened to this playlist on repeat while writing https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2ZCch1L6QrJBR7puX917CT consider listening if you'd like the vibes i got lmao)

It’s late at night when it first happens. They’ve just finished up a case, and Morgan, as Spencer still called him, is driving the young genius home. They’re both paranoid, so it’s not surprising when Morgan insists on walking him to his door even though he’s parked right at the curb. It  _ is _ surprising, however, when Spencer pauses in the doorway, turning to look at his coworker, and asks him to stay the night, in a way much more than platonic - _ His eyelids are hooded, and Morgan doesn’t think it’s from exhaustion. “Stay?” Reid drawls, and somehow his tone is sensual. It’s like nothing Morgan’s ever heard before, and his breath hitches. Reid’s suppressing a small smile when Morgan’s eyes darken and they tumble through dark hallways and into Reid’s bedroom _ .

It happens again, a few times after that, and the team is starting to catch on, but they don’t care. They’re situated happily into a friends-with-benefits arrangement, and Spencer doesn’t want to mess that up, but there’s a nagging voice in the back of his head that won’t let him ignore the thought of what it would be like if they were  _ more _ .

He almost brings it up to Derek one day when they’re cuddled up on the older’s couch -these are the moments that make him genuinely hopeful that an actual relationship is possible between them-, watching some movie that Spencer’s been pointing out the inaccuracies of since it started, and he even gets so far as to say, “Derek, I think w-“

But then Derek’s lips are trailing down his neck, and a gasp is wrenched from the younger, all intelligent thoughts effectively shoved away in favor of letting Derek undo him.

In the morning, it kind of feels like a hangover, but his head isn’t the thing that’s pounding and it feels  _ good _ in a sore way, and Derek is gone. He always is. That’s one of the rules they agreed to  _ before _ -before there were more soft touches, before Penelope started giving him knowing looks when he rattled on for too long about Derek, before people had started coming to him when they wanted to find the other man, before his head started forcing these thoughts on him, before the dreams where they were a  _ real _ couple- that he regrets now. Despite how lonely he feels every time he realizes Derek hadn’t stayed -but why would he?-, he still can’t find it in himself to bring it up.

He might have to someday, he realizes when Prentiss pulls him aside before they head out to a case, “Where’s Morgan? Nice hickeys, by the way.”

Spencer can feel himself blushing vehemently, “I don’t know. We’re not psychic.” He chooses to ignore her quip.

“No, but you’d think a guy would know where his boyfriend is.” Prentiss smiles at him, teasing.

“We’re not dating,” He frowns, and Prentiss looks confused for a moment, opens her mouth to respond, but then Derek is walking in and she’s sprinting off. 

Spencer watches them talk, his frown growing until, eventually JJ pulls him from his thoughts, placing a hand gently on his forearm and letting him know it’s time to go.

Spencer nods, tearing his eyes from the spot Prentiss and Derek were as his mind taunts him.  _ Do we really act like that much of a couple _ ?

He decides to confront Derek after the case, absolutely no backing out this time.

He backs out.

He lets Derek drive him home from the airport, but he insists the other man goes home. He lies, saying he has a headache.

Spencer spends the rest of the night curled into himself, cheeks stinging with embarrassment no one else was privy to. By the time the sun comes up, he’s run over his choice and what might have happened if he’d done what he promised himself - _ He pushes a hand gently against Derek’s chest, his fingers splayed over the muscles there. “Wait,” He says. “Derek, I… I want to be in an actual relationship.” The wording differs every time he imagines it, as does his partner’s reaction. Derek smiles, eyes shining, “Okay.” He connects their lips, and they fall back onto the bed. _ \- so many times that he really has acquired a tension headache.  _ Tension headaches, also known as stress headaches, occur when the neck and scalp muscles become tense or contract. They’re very common, with more than 3,000,000 cases in the US per year _ , His brain supplies unhelpfully, and he shoves his face into the pillow, contemplating, momentarily, if suffocating would shut his stupid genius mind up.

He ends up falling asleep without calling in sick or anything, and when he finally wakes up, it’s to a terrible ringing. He moans, fumbling around for his phone and blearily answering the call. “Hello?” He mumbles sleepily.

“Hah! I said he’d pick up if you were the one calling!” Spencer can hear Prentiss exclaiming happily in the background, JJ’s laughter and the telltale sound of skin hitting skin in what’s most likely a high-five echoing her cheer.

“Hey, kid, where are you? You didn’t call and you didn’t show up. It’s not like you.”

“‘M at home. Got a headache,” His voice is muffled by his pillow, but he’s pretty sure they can understand him.

“Still?” Derek asks.

“Mhm. Bye.”

“Wait, Reid-“ He can hear Hotch in the background, but he hangs up, tossing his phone out of reach.

Not a minute later, it starts ringing again, and he answers with a groan, head pounding.

“What.”

“Reid, you have to call in sick when you’re not going to show up. What if we had a case?” Spencer can practically see the scowl on Hotch’s face through the phone.

“Okay. Okay, hi, Agent Hotchner. I’m sick today. I have a really bad headache and you talking isn’t helping. I won’t be going to work. Thanks!” His voice is bitter and sarcastic, but he has a headache and no caffeine in his system so he’s not feeling particularly apologetic right now.

Spencer thinks he hears someone laughing in the background, but Hotch is saying, “Alright, Reid. Feel better.”

Then he’s hanging up and Spencer is flopping back into his pillow.

Seven months in, Spencer realizes he might have a problem. He hasn't been sleeping well, -too focused on Derek too much of the time- and he almost passes out in the midst of a debriefing after spouting some random facts and getting a small grin and a -fond?- shake of the head from the coworker taking up residence in his brain. JJ frowns at him, “Reid?” and he’s snapping back awake with a fact about the percentage of trips to emergency rooms because of fainting -“Syncope, the medical term for fainting, accounts for one to six percent of hospital visits and up to one percent of visits to the emergency room per year.”- and the meeting continues like normal. Spencer pretends he doesn’t notice, out of the corner of his eyes, the concerned looks that his team keeps shooting him.

Spencer thinks he finally understands what people mean when they say they can’t imagine life without that special someone -not that he thinks of Derek as “ _ that special someone _ ”- while on a case.

They’ve tracked down the unsub and Derek -the absolute  _ moron _ \- has placed himself directly in front of the line of fire, in a Reid-esque move. 

The younger’s shoulders are hitched up, tensely, almost to his ears. His gun is tilted slightly down since he can’t aim it at the unsub because  _ freaking Morgan _ is blocking him and he doesn’t want to aim at Derek. He’s stuck in place, unable to move forward in fear of the unsub shooting the other agent and he feels like his heart is hitched in his throat.

Hotch is creeping up behind the unsub, and for the first time in a while, Spencer struggles to keep his expression neutral. Hotch cuffs the unsub, and Spencer’s sigh of relief is almost as heavy as Derek’s. He doesn’t miss the look Prentiss gives him.

When he scowls at Derek and scolds him for putting himself at risk -to which Derek just laughs, slinging an arm over his shoulder good-naturedly, ruffling his hair and claiming, “Now you know how we feel whenever you do it.”-  _ Hotch _ , of all people, gives him a look, too. He doesn’t miss that one either.

Spencer really starts to feel like he’s cracking somewhere into the thirteenth month of their friends-with-benefits situation. He’d been splintering for a while, but he really starts  _ cracking _ about twelve and a half months in when Derek shows up at his door with  _ flowers _ and declares with one of his stupid grins, “Happy fuck-iversary.” He's a little late but the gesture is nice nonetheless. It’s only after he’s gone that Spencer realizes most people in their situation wouldn’t do something like that - and Derek would  _ know  _ that. So why?

He spends too many sleepless nights thinking about it, and he cracks more.

Not long after he begins cracking, a sudden, shattering thought brings Spencer’s hope to a screeching halt. Just because Derek is pan- or bi-sexual doesn’t mean he’s pan- or bi- _ romantic _ . Just because he’s interested in a sexual relationship with someone of the same gender doesn’t mean he cares for a romantic one.

He can’t help the sense of panic that overcomes him at this realization, because what if Derek  _ is _ straight when it comes to actual romance? With this newfound worry, Spencer buries his feelings further and the circles under his eyes grow steadily darker.

For a while after that, Spencer thinks he’s finally gotten control of his feelings. Then Derek leaves his shirt at Spencer’s house after a case and Spencer -accidentally, he swears- wears the shirt to work the next day. He just  _ happens _ not to notice that it smells exactly like his coworker and makes him feel cozier than any of his sweater vests ever could until Rossi is raising an eyebrow at him, “Is that one of Morgan’s shirts?” The girls laugh, shocked, and Spencer’s cheeks blush a pretty pink color. What sends his heart reeling, however, is the way Derek’s eyes darken possessively and a small, satisfied smile curls the edges of his lips.

Spencer, oblivious despite his profession, doesn’t really understand why his wearing Derek’s shirt would put that look on his coworker’s face, but he decides he likes it.

Derek starts leaving more shirts, and their team stops mentioning it around the sixth time the genius wears one.

Spencer really and truly knows he’s fucked when he catches a fever while they’re on a case. The case is local and he can still travel, so Hotch sends him home. He hails an Uber (he’s not going to try driving when he’s feeling this delirious), thanks the driver, and stumbles into his apartment, tired and feeling uncomfortably sweaty.

He flops onto his couch as soon as it’s in range, seriously worrying that he might not make it to his bedroom. He shoves himself against the back of the couch, pulling a blanket up over his shoulders lazily. He’s not sure if he’s genuinely delirious or just irrevocably smitten when he starts to imagine the back of the couch, pressed against him, as Derek, spooning him, sifting gentle fingers through wavy locks, and mumbling pet names and sweet nothings until he falls asleep.

He does know that he’s starting to doubt he’ll ever be able to get out of this grave that he’s dug himself in his desperation to bury his feelings.

Their teammates have started picking up on how much Spencer glances at Derek, subconsciously. They’re profilers, and eye contact or stolen glances are dead giveaways. He knows they know. After a few too many knowing looks from one when he swivels his gaze away from Derek, he forces himself to stop looking.

Derek stays this time. Spencer doesn’t know why, and it sends as much panic directly into his heart as it does elation. His coworker is still asleep and snuggled against him, and they’re both still naked from last night's activities, and Spencer feels warm and comfortable. He wakes before Derek, but it’s still one of the most restful nights he’s had in a while and he chooses to ignore the cliches that come with that fact in favor of the science that supports the way any physical contact can help people sleep.

Derek starts to stir and Spencer doesn’t want to say anything, fearing it’ll send this moment up in smoke. “G’morning,” his snuggle buddy mumbles, breath ghosting the genius’s skin.

“Morning, Derek,” Spencer forces himself to keep an even voice. It’s easier than he was expecting. He’s gotten really good at this pretending thing.

They lay there for a little bit longer, until eventually Derek gets up and makes coffee. He leaves around two in the afternoon after they’ve watched a few old, shitty horror films.

He never explains why he stayed, and Spencer never works up the nerve to ask.

Penelope corners him one day, and demands to know what’s going on between him and her “Chocolate Thunder”. She won’t let him leave until she’s satisfied, so Spencer spills every last detail about his pining. She tuts sympathetically at the end, pulling him into one of her mama bear hugs, telling him he can come talk to her any time. He smiles and thanks her, then heads back to his desk in the bullpen.

And, he has to admit, it’s pretty nice being able to get this off his chest.

He pines more. He’s good at remaining professional when he needs to, but sometimes Derek will say something in a certain way or his expression will darken in that predatory way of his and Spencer will have to bite back a gasp and physically prevent himself from swooning. He feels like a teenage girl with a crush. In a way, it’s kind of like he is one. Just that he’s also sleeping with that crush.

He gushes to Penelope whenever it happens, and she’s full of sympathy and advice that’s mostly just “Tell him, you  _ idiot _ !”

Spencer always shakes his head, reminds her that he has an IQ of 187 -“Penelope, I won’t remind you again. I am not an idiot. I have a very high IQ, and I don’t like to use that to my advantage, but I know you know that, and you’re pushing me to the edge!”- and threatens to find someone else to rant to if she doesn’t stop.

She always laughs and he always comes back.

One day, while talking to Penelope, she says her usual line about just  _ telling _ Derek, and Spencer pauses. “What if I actually did?” For how long he’s been pining, he stopped considering telling him a long time ago.

She pauses, halfway through one of her rants about how it’d just be easier and better to get it off his chest and Derek probably likes him back. Her mouth is hanging open, and her chair tries to continue spinning when she stops swiveling herself. “ _ What _ did you just say?” She demands, staring him down with a slightly manic expression.

“I just- You keep telling me to- Uh, and-“ He stumbles over his words with her intimidating gaze locked on him. “Nev-evermind.”

“No!” She screeches. “You definitely should! I’ll walk you through it. You can pretend I’m him and practice on me as much as you need. I’ll help you write a script if that’s what it takes!”

“I… sort of already wrote one. A while back.” Spencer blushes sheepishly when the analyst squeals with delight.

“Perfect! Try it out on me and then we’ll work out the kinks,” At his uncertain expression, she softens her expression gently. “I’m not gonna judge you, honey.”

“Okay,” He agrees reluctantly. Penelope sits back with a delighted smile, and Spencer starts, “Derek, we’ve- Uh, we’ve been friends for a lon-“

Prentiss pokes her head in. “Reid, there you are! We have a new case. Hurry up and get to the conference room! Hotch is getting impatient.” Before she goes, she frowns slightly at them. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No,” Prentiss looks doubtful despite his objection, but she leaves anyway. “Sorry, Garcia,” Spencer shoots her an apologetic look, standing up to leave.

“It’s okay, Junior G-Man! We’ll just continue next time we talk,” She grins, waving him off. “Now shoo! I need to be ready for your every request. Even a goddess needs a little prepping.”

Spencer laughs, promising they’ll go over it, and he leaves.

The case is an especially difficult one -the unsub is kidnapping and killing adolescents around 12 to 16 years old of all gender identities with families supportive of them and their recent questioning about their sexuality- and they never do end up going over it.

Spencer falls asleep on the plane ride to a new case they’ve been assigned, and when Prentiss has to literally shake him awake, he knows something’s got to change.

“Reid, are you alright?” Hotch, ever the diplomatic and caring leader asks.

Spencer bites back a yawn, rubbing at his eyes, still bleary with sleep. “Yeah. Just haven’t been getting much sleep recently.” The huge, dark purple bags under his eyes are testament to what an understatement that is.

Everyone is frowning slightly, but they seem to accept it. Before turning back to the files, Derek says simply, kindly, “Kid, you know I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.”

Even though Spencer knows his coworker would do that for any of the team, he sounds so worried and caring that it sends the genius’ heart pounding and his cheeks burn. He grabs a file, burying his face in it as he mumbles a “Thanks”.

He appreciates - _ loves _ \- Derek for offering, but he knows he’ll never take the man up on his offer. How can he, when all Spencer ever wants to talk about is him?

That night, when they’ve retired to hotel rooms and Spencer has a moment, he calls Penelope. “ _ Garcia _ ,” He gushes, voice lowered, “he’s so  _ nice _ .”

She laughs, and they talk for a few hours until she hangs up around two in the morning.

They’ve scored individual hotel rooms this time, thank  _ god _ , since he usually rooms with Derek and he fears he might literally explode with the man  _ that close _ but not being able to touch. Spencer lays awake for several more long hours, thinking,  _ imagining _ until he throbs and his heart pounds so loud he’s surprised it doesn’t wake anyone up. 

Spencer kind of wants to punch himself for two reasons. One, apparently he’s  _ very _ freaking oblivious when it comes to the object of his affection, because it takes going to a club with the team and Penelope explicitly pointing it out for him to notice that Derek no longer goes home with random women. He’s dirty dancing a lot less than he used to, too. Penelope insists it started around the same time they started sleeping together, and Spencer thinks he just might spontaneously combust.

The second reason is that he’s an  _ absolute moron  _ for falling for someone he works with,  _ especially _ in their line of work. Derek is constantly having to put himself at risk, and now, every time, it sends his heart pounding faster than it normally would. He’s worried one of these days he’ll slip up and go against direct orders just for Derek. It hasn’t happened yet, but the possibility that it could, looming constantly over his head, really makes him tempted to tape a sign reading “Punch Me” on his back.

They still have their Friends-with-Benefits situation, but Spencer is really starting to think they’re cutting out the “No Emotional Involvement” rule.

For one, Spencer is  _ definitely  _ emotionally involved, and he kinda thinks Derek is, too. Especially with the whole  _ no more sleeping with strangers _ thing he apparently has going on (and  _ has _ had going on for a while, according to Garcia). There’s also this recent addition where they stay and  _ cuddle _ .

If that isn’t some romantic shit, Spencer frankly doesn’t know what is.

It leaves his head reeling almost more than the actual sex does, but he’s too worried bringing it up will send what they have shattering.

So he doesn’t say anything. He just snuggles against Derek, warm under the blankets and his coworker’s arm as his head spins.

Everyone likes to tease Spencer about how oblivious he is, and he’ll admit he’s not the best when it comes to detecting romantic feelings, but he’s come to the conclusion that the people teasing him should be teasing Derek, too. He’s just as -if not  _ more _ \- oblivious than Spencer.

It doesn’t take a profiler to see how hopelessly enamored the genius is with his coworker, and he’s pretty sure everyone else on their team has figured it out by now.

Most of them seem to think they’re already  _ dating _ for crying out loud, and Spencer just doesn’t know what to make of that. Are they seeing something from Derek that he isn’t? Or is it just so obvious that Spencer likes him that they think there’s no possible way he’s hiding or trying to bury his feelings, likely meaning they’re reciprocated? He thinks it’s probably the latter, but that doesn’t stop him from hoping it’s the former.

Spencer kind of wants to cry. He’s at home, getting ready for a shower, and nothing’s happened, per se, so he doesn’t really know what brought this onslaught of emotions about. He just feels so painfully  _ lonely _ and it’s worse than it used to be because before he just wanted someone. Now, he wants Derek more than anything. He’s grown so close to him that he can imagine Derek’s arms around him as his coworker mumbles reassurances that he isn’t alone. 

But he is alone. And imagining what he wants without being able to have it is so much worse than just wondering what it would be like to hold someone’s hand.

If the genius does end up crying as warm water cascades over his pruning skin - _ Touch-starved or touch-craving people are more likely to take long, hot showers _ \- then who’s to feel anything but sympathy?

They stop hooking up. It’s sudden, and Spencer doesn’t know why, but he knows it hurts when Derek starts ignoring his texts and calls. It burns when he starts going out of his way to avoid talking to or hanging out with Spencer, inside or outside of cases. He thinks his heart shatters when Penelope tells him he’s sleeping with strangers again. He doesn’t know why; it’s not like they were ever exclusive. It’s certainly not like they were ever dating. (But maybe he does know why. Because it felt like they were exclusive, and Spencer let himself foolishly believe - _ hope _ \- that Derek liked him too.) Every time Derek refuses to meet his eyes, his chest burns. He stops calling him pet names, even “Pretty Boy”, and that started before their situation did. Spencer doesn’t know what he did, but their new dynamic leaves him feeling hollow.

Slowly, Spencer stops talking to Penelope about Derek. He comes to learn it burns more to think and talk about him than it does to simply bottle it up. Sure, some days the dam comes tumbling down and the grief he feels for their old relationship is almost immobilizing, but those terrible, crushing days are better, he thinks, than if it were to slowly pick at him every day.

Penelope stops calling when she realizes he’s not just busy, and she stops trying to bring it up to him at work after he walks away for what must be the dozenth time.

His coworkers have definitely picked up on  _ this _ new thing between him and Derek, but he refuses to talk to any of them about it. 

Hotch tries bringing it up even after everyone else drops it, because he’s worried it’ll interfere with their team dynamic. When Spencer snaps at his boss that he won’t let it get in the way of his job so harshly it leaves the stoic man looking shocked, he, too, starts ignoring the elephant in the room.

They don’t talk at all these days, and Spencer doesn’t know how he’ll ever come back from this. He slowly starts to fall apart, and he knows it’s bad, but it takes Hotch asking if he’s on dilaudid again for him to truly grasp the severity of the situation. From then on, he does a better job of burying his feelings, and even manages to say hello to Derek ( _ Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, not Derek, Derek was sweet and wouldn’t break his heart like this, where’s Derek, this is Morgan, Morgan, Morgan _ ) at least once a week.

This has become their new normal, and the team stops hoping they’ll fix whatever happened. Spencer still doesn’t know what that is. If he did, maybe they’d be better off. With all his smarts, he’s never felt so hopelessly clueless.

If Spencer thought he couldn’t sleep before, he could teach a class in insomnia now. He hasn’t slept in four days, seven hours, and forty-two minutes. Given the statistics (by the third day, symptoms such as hallucination and irritability are felt by the majority of people who’ve stayed up), he’s surprised he feels as well as he does, but he’s not complaining. His state of reality remains unaltered and he doesn’t think he’s being any more snappy that usual. Time seems to be going by at it’s normal rate and he doesn’t even feel exceedingly tired. He knows going an amount of time this large without sleeping can have lasting negative effects, but it’s not his fault he can’t sleep. If he could, he would.

_ Three strikes, you’re out _ , is all Reid can think when his exhaustion overwhelms him again.

He was seated at his desk in the bullpen when JJ announces that there’s a briefing. He pushes his chair back, stands up, and walks away from his desk. As soon as he’s out of reach of literally anything he could catch himself with, a rush of exhaustion accompanied by dizziness overwhelms him. He sways on his feet and stumbles around trying to catch himself for a few seconds before falling face-forward toward the ground, too tired to even keep himself upright. 

But he never hits the floor. Suddenly, there are strong arms wrapped around him and Derek is shouting something at him that he can’t process through the haze that’s surrounding his brain. He knows he knows the words and what they mean together, he just can’t navigate their meaning with how tired he is.

He shifts, blinks sleepily, and realizes he’s pressed against Derek’s chest. Derek looks very concerned and he keeps saying something to Spencer, but Spencer doesn’t know  _ what _ and none of this makes sense given Derek’s recent behavior. “Huh,” he mumbles. “There’s the hallucinations people talk about.”

He promptly slumps against Derek, out for the count. He sleeps for the first time in days with his crush carefully holding him upright.

When he wakes up, he’s stretched out on the plane with no clue as to how he got there or what the case entails. He pushes himself into a sitting position, ignoring the urge to just close his eyes and try to sleep for longer. “How long have I been out?” 

“Reid!” Penelope exclaims from the laptop screen at the same time Emily answers evenly, “Three hours. We’re on our way to a serial child abductor case in San Francisco. Here, you should look at the files.”

He reaches out a hand to take the files but Derek grabs it first, fixing a very concerned look on Spencer. “Pretty Boy, when was the last time you slept other than just now? And don’t try to lie, we’re all profilers. We’ll see right through you.”

Spencer purses his lips, brushing his hair out of his face before answering. “It’s been approximately four days, twenty-one hours and forty-five minutes since I last slept, other than the three hours I just slept for.”

Hotch’s face blanches, and JJ yelps, “Spence! Go back to sleep, right now!”

Derek huffs, running a hand over his hand. “Jesus, kid.”

“You need to get some sleep, kiddo,” Dave says, his dad side poking out.

“You of all people should know how bad that is for you, Reid,” Emily chides, concerned.

On-screen, Penelope’s mouth has dropped open. “Spencer…”

“I’m fine, guys, really. I need to read the case. Morgan, can I have the file please?”

Derek glances at Hotch, who frowns at Spencer. “Reid, you’re going to go back to sleep and when we touch down, you’re going to head to the hotel room and catch up on sleep.”

Spencer tries to tell him that’s no use, he won’t be able to sleep and  _ this is exactly why I never told you guys _ , “But-“

“No buts. Morgan will drive you and we’ll call you if we end up needing you.”

Spencer tries to argue more, but eventually they touch down, and despite all protests, he does reluctantly head to the hotel room.

The car ride there is a strange one. It’s only Derek and Spencer, and their dynamic has changed  _ again _ since Derek caught him in the bullpen. “Derek-“ Spencer starts at the same time Derek says, “Spencer-“

“You first,” Spencer says quickly and Derek nods, taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass lately. I’ve been…” He pauses to find the right words, “trying to figure some stuff out.”

“Oh, I- Uh, it’s fine. I’m just glad we’re back to normal. We  _ are _ back to normal, right?”

Derek looks both resigned and relieved when he shrugs, and Spencer can’t make heads or tails of his reaction. It’s tense and quiet for a few more minutes until Derek clears his throat. “So, but, uh- You had something to say?”

“Oh,” Spencer shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I was… I was just gonna- I dunno. It’s nothing. I, uh, forget it.”

Derek glances over at him, briefly looking away from the road. “You okay? You gotta tell me what’s up, after that scare you gave us.”

“I just… really like this… this person, I guess? And I think about them all the time and it’s really starting to cut into my sleeping habit and I wish I didn’t care so much about them. Liberosis, I guess.”

“That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. Maybe you shouldn’t hang out with them,” Derek frowns and Spencer shrugs. The irony of the situation snowballs in his head, every good moment he’s had with Derek tacking onto the idea of them not seeing each other anymore. Yeah, right. It’s stupid. It’s so stupid it almost makes him want to laugh. They don’t say anything else until they reach the hotel.

Derek practically carries Spencer to the genius’s hotel room despite his insistence that he doesn’t need any help -“I can walk perfectly fine, Morgan, stop!” “You  _ collapsed _ , Reid. I’m not taking any chances until you’ve gotten at least five more hours of sleep.  _ At least _ .” “Jesus Christ, you’re like an overprotective boyfriend.”- and asks Spencer if he needs anything after he’s settled into the hotel bed. “Cuddle with me,” He says, like it’s a joke, even though he’d like nothing more.

Derek stands there, brow furrowed in thought, and Spencer almost reiterates that it was a joke, but then the dark-skinned man is stripping off his shirt and walking to Spencer with a simple “Okay”. Spencer’s sure he looks surprised, and he thinks he should say something but he doesn’t because his heart and head are both in agreement that this is a good thing. He likes Derek and physical touch has been scientifically proven to help with sleep. Literally nothing bad can come of this as long as there’s no serious conversation and Spencer doesn’t talk in his sleep.

Spencer ends up not talking in his sleep -he wasn’t all that worried, because he generally doesn’t, but it would be his luck that he’d start with his crush around. Thank god he doesn’t. He might’ve literally cried- and they don’t have any serious conversation. He wakes up, sees a note from Derek letting him know he’s working the case, and proceeds to get ready to go to work himself. All is well.

Spencer starts talking to Penelope again. He and Derek are talking again, and so Spencer needs to ramble, and of course the techie is more than willing to accept him back into her lair with open arms and popcorn (No, really, she has a box full of snack-size bags of pre-popped popcorn that she likes to eat while he has his gay panic). Spencer thinks maybe he should be offended that she’s treating this absolutely dire situation involving her very real friends like a sit-com, but he’s too distracted by his woes and his own bag of popcorn to care. Besides, this  _ is _ Garcia, and coming from her, it’s kind of charming and cute. 

With them talking more comes more one-on-one calls with each other and she’s starting to call him with information instead of Derek, like she used to. At first when she flirts, he’s too caught-off-guard and unprepared to respond, but he adjusts, and soon he’s tentatively flirting back, though his ‘“flirting” is more like using petnames -”Hey good lookin', your resident techie has got some info cookin'!” “Hey, dear. What’ve you got for me?” “The unsub is a man named David Welcott, and I’m sending his address to your phones now.” “Thank you, sweetheart, you know you’re my number one.” “Wouldn’t have it any other way, sugar. Love you!” “Love you, too, PG.”- and he realizes he  _ really _ likes petnames. 

One day, Emily comes up to him and asks if he’s dating Penelope now instead of Derek, and he can’t help the bright, full laugh that bubbles up. “What? What?” Emily asks, looking confused by his laughter, but he just laughs more and walks away. Later, he tells Penelope about it, and she gets a good laugh out of the misunderstanding too. They jokingly start referring to each other as their significant other every now and then -”Oh, Spencer, my dear boyfriend, have I got some disturbing facts for you!” “What am I up to, Derek? Oh, you know, just texting my lovely girlfriend, the one and only Penelope Garcia”- and they know it’s a joke. They’re pretty sure the rest of the team knows it’s a joke, so it never crosses their minds that maybe they actually think the technical analyst and boy genius are dating.

Spencer is sleeping better, now that the team has ensured he has melatonin tablets and Penelope and Derek have compiled a list of articles that help with sleeping for him to read. He knows all sorts of handy facts and, when those don’t work, the melatonin does. He kind of wishes the warmth he knows will help him sleep was coming from Derek instead of a warm tea or a hot shower, though. 

But, hey, he’s sleeping, so there’s one thing down. Now he just needs to stop liking his coworker so much. He has no clue as to go about that, and he’s pretty sure there isn’t a tablet that’ll magically make his feelings go away. Maybe he’ll have Derek and Penelope compile a list of articles, though. He kind of doubts they’d help. Besides, how would he even go about requesting that kind of thing?

Maybe, if he’s lucky, they’ll just fade on their own. Oh god,  _ if _ he’s lucky. He’s gonna be stuck with these feelings forever. Maybe he should look on the bright side. After all, like Penelope says, there are worse people to be pining after. (She always insists Derek likes him back after that, but he chooses to ignore that part).

Spencer and Derek are hanging out and sleeping together again. Spencer loves it but, of course, he still has that stupid nagging voice that keeps teasing him about being more. He ignores it now, though, in favor of rattling off some facts and commenting about the inaccuracies of the movie they’re currently watching. Spencer is snuggled under Derek’s arm and they’re on the older’s couch, just hanging out like  _ bros _ . He doubts bros sleep together, but the point is the cuddle session is entirely no homo. Derek waits for Spencer to finish his stream of facts, then jumps in, “Hey, are you and Penelope dating?”

Spencer’s eyes widen, and he shifts away from Derek so he can look directly at the man’s face to try and determine if he’s being punked. Derek looks serious, so Spencer decides it’s probably not a joke. He scoffs slightly, completely baffled that -not only can Derek not see Spencer’s very obvious feelings for the other man- he apparently thinks Spencer is genuinely dating Penelope. “What, no! What gave you that idea?”

“I literally heard you refer to her as your girlfriend the other day,” Derek deadpans and Spencer blushes when he realizes maybe everyone isn’t as in on the joke as he thought they were.

“Oh…” He awkwardly clears his throat, biting his lip and looking behind Derek, too embarrassed to make eye contact. “No, that’s… That’s just a joke. The same way you and her flirt?” He offers, trying to explain without making a fool out of himself.

“Okay…” Derek seems to accept this, but then he frowns, clearly struck by another thought. “But then why are you and her talking so much now? You didn’t use to. She calls you now, instead of me! And you call her every morning after we fuck! I hope you don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

Derek sems judgy now, arching a brow at Spencer as the younger splutters in an attempt to straighten this out without having to outright confess that it’s because he’s talking  _ about _ Derek and Penelope was the most willing to listen and the least likely to make fun of him. “We… we’re just friends, Derek, really. And, I dunno, maybe she just prefers to call me? You’re asking the wrong person.” He absolutely does know why Penelope is calling him instead. It’s because she’s always hoping he’ll have something exciting to say about his massive crush. But, again, Spencer doesn’t have a burning desire to tell Derek this. 

Derek huffs, crossing his arms and glaring at the screen. “You’re just friends?” He checks, seeming awfully insecure for such a confident, beautiful man.

“We’re just friends,” He parrots reassuringly before laughing as a thought hits him. It’s so absurd, so absolutely unlikely, but Derek’s body language and accusatory wording suggests Spencer is right. “Wait. Are you jealous?” He asks incredulously, eyes lighting up in amusement at the idea and the possibility that maybe Derek is jealous of Penelope, not Spencer.

Derek crosses his arms tighter, scowling at the screen. “Maybe,” He grumbles, so quietly Spencer almost doesn’t hear him.

The genius gapes. Sure, he thought Derek was jealous, but it’s one thing to guess and another for Derek to practically outright admit it. Spencer goes to say something, to ask  _ who _ , but then Derek’s lips are on his and all rational thought flees immediately. Dammit, his coworker really has gotten good at distracting him. 

Derek is gone the next morning -a Saturday- when Spencer wakes up and he doesn’t know how to feel. It’s like the beginning of their relationship all over again. By the time Monday rolls around and he sees Derek again, the conversation has escaped his immediate notice and he never does end up asking Derek who he’s jealous of. It doesn’t matter, though, because the genius has a pretty good idea of who it is. Him, obviously. In order to be jealous of Penelope he’d have to have a crush on Spencer, after all, and that’s just…unfathomable.

The next time they have a case, Penelope books just enough rooms that everyone will have to share, two per room. He suspects she’s enlisted the team’s help, because Rossi immediately declares he’ll be sharing with Hotch and Emily grabs JJ’s hands with an exclamation of, “I’m with this one!” Rossi and the girls all send smug grins Spencer’s way. Yeah, they’re definitely teamed up. That, or they just want Spencer to suffer.

Derek swings an arm over Spencer’s shoulder, using his free hand to tousle his hair with a grin, “Looks like it’s you and me, Pretty Boy!”

Rossi grins at them, quirking an eyebrow as he quips, “Use protection.”

Spencer’s head fall into his hands with a groan, meanwhile Derek -instead of denying it, which is the sensible thing to do with the fraternization policies in place and the fact that the dark-skinned man likely doesn’t want people thinking he and Spencer are dating- laughs and jabs back, “You too, old man.”

The girls laugh, and that just makes Spencer groan more.

They’ve all settled into their rooms for the night, and Spencer doesn’t know how it happened, but he’s cuddled up on Derek’s bed with the man himself as they watch a shitty movie on one of the equally shitty, free hotel channels. Spencer, despite having literally no clue as to how he got himself into this situation, definitely isn’t complaining. But who would, with the warm, firm arm of their crush draped over them? 

When he wakes up, he’s still tangled up with Derek on the other man’s bed. It might be creepy, but a smile graces the genius’s face as he watches the other sleep. He looks so peaceful, like none of the darkness they regularly tangle with can touch him. It’s a wonderful, heart-warming sight that unfortunately just makes him wish he could date the man more.

At this point, Spencer doesn’t even think his crush is cute anymore. It’s honestly just annoying and he really wishes he could get over it. He’s constantly distracted, almost always thinking about telling Derek, and apparently his other friends feel like he’s neglecting them. He knows that because Emily and JJ literally come up to him one day while he’s getting coffee and tell him so. Well, actually, JJ says, “Hey, we should hang out. Are you free this weekend?”

And Emily agrees, “Yeah, you’re practically always busy. It feels like I haven’t seen you outside of work in years.”

Spencer blushes, ashamed in himself. These are his  _ best friends _ , his family, and he hasn’t hung out with them in what feels like years, according to Emily  _ and _ JJ, if her nod is anything to go by. “Okay,” He says easily, “What do you wanna do?”

Emily and JJ grin at each other, then eagerly start telling Spencer the plans they’ve mapped out. Next thing he knows, he’s got plans for Saturday involving them, old movies, and Emily’s house (since she has the best TV). It sounds nice, and like fun. He can’t believe he’s been mooning over a boy while he could’ve been hanging out with these cool chicks.

Saturday rolls around and when he gets there, he discovers that this particular hang-out apparently includes wine, as well. “Oh my god,” He laughs when Emily forcefully shoves a glass into his hand, but he knows better than to object when there’s  _ two _ women, both of whom could kick his butt, opposing him.

He stays longer than anticipated, and gets much more drunk than he’d hoped. They’re all drunk, though, so that makes him feel better. They’re also playing Truth or Dare, apparently. JJ is on the couch, giggling at Emily’s answer to her question (“Youuu, Emmmm, who was the first guy you liked?” “I’m a lesbian,” she stage whispers before drunkenly giggling. “I thought you were American,” is JJ’s response, and then she too is giggling.) Emily is on one of the chairs, sitting so her back is pressed against one of the arms and her legs are dangling off the other one. “Okay, okay, Spencer,” She addresses him, and he brings his head up from where it’s leaning against the coffee table to give her his full attention. “Truth or Dare?”

He frowns thoughtfully before happily declaring, “Truth!”

Emily and JJ exchange grins and Spencer grows worried. Clearly they’re planning something. “Who do you like?” The dark-haired woman slurs, grinning at him coyly.

His frown deepens, so much that he’s almost scowling at them. “What if I don’t like someone?” He deflects, clearly trying to avoid answering the question. He doesn’t really know why he doesn’t want to tell them he likes Derek; he trusts them a lot. He just… doesn’t.

“Then you say no one,” JJ answers easily, her teasing grin matching Emily’s sly one. “Now, answer the question.”

He huffs and glares at the ceiling before finally grumbling an answer, “Derek.”

“What was that?” Emily calls in a sing-song tone with a shit-eating grin that makes it very clear that she totally heard him.

“Derek,” He says, a little louder this time and clearly kind of annoyed.

“Sorry, Spence, what?” JJ says, feigning innocence as she bats her eyelashes and speaks way too sweetly. “You’re gonna have to be a little clearer than that, Reid, I can hardly hear you.”

He snaps up to a sitting position, glaring at both of them. “ _ Derek _ ,” He enunciates each syllable and projects so there’s no way they can’t hear him.

“Knew it!” Emily crows happily, pumping a fist in the air, laughing triumphantly. JJ giggles at Spencer’s clear annoyance. He sighs, then turns his glare to one of the girls.

“Emily,” He says, slowly, certainly. “Who do  _ you  _ like?”

Her laughter cuts off, face turning pink as she takes on a panicked expression. JJ’s laughter trails off too, and she takes on a very interested expression as she watches her friend. Spencer laughs now, fully able to understand the entertainment they found in his peril now that he’s the one holding the trigger.

They play well into the night, and Spencer and JJ just end up staying. JJ and Emily cuddle on her bed and Spencer situates himself on the couch, a small, satisfied smile on his face and no thoughts of Derek on his mind. He had a really good time.

He wakes up with a hangover, and that’s not quite as much of a good time, but he still had a lot of fun with those crazy girls. He decides he should definitely make sure they get back into the routine of hanging out more often. 

Rossi and Hotch are the last to know about his crush. Well, kinda. He has a feeling they knew all along, but they’re the last he explicitly states it to. He’s gone with Rossi to interview one of the victims’ family and the old man who he’s come to see as a father figure addresses him as they drive. “What’s up with you, Spencer? You’ve seemed a little… out of sorts lately.” Spencer sighed, which made Rossi frown. “What’s up, kiddo? You know you can talk to me.”

“Oh, it’s nothing explicitly bad,” He reassured. “It’s just… Apparently everyone is noticing and wants in on my personal life. It’s a little annoying, even though you and the rest of the team are like family.”

Rossi nodded in understanding, “So I’m assuming you don’t want to let me know what’s going on?” He guessed, clearly not about to push, which Spencer was grateful for.

The boy genius shrugged. “No, I might as well tell you and Hotch. The rest of the team except for Derek already knows.”

Rossi raised an eyebrow, “You’re not going to tell Derek? I thought you two were together.”

“No!” Spencer huffed. “That’s the thing. I like Derek, but I don’t think he likes me back.”

“Oh,” Understanding crossed the older man’s face before he gave Spencer one of his all-knowing grins. “I think you might have more of a chance than you think you do, kiddo.” 

“Everybody seems to be saying that,” Spencer said defeatedly, but for once he actually thought maybe they were right. Because Rossi really did notice practically everything and he was the kind of person to outright say something if he thought Spencer had literally no chance instead of getting his hopes up. Spencer appreciated his blunt honesty. He also  _ really _ appreciated that it likely meant Spencer actually, genuinely did seem to have a chance, and everyone wasn’t just trying to make him feel better. Spencer smiled timidly at Rossi, “But thank you, Dave.”

“Any time, Spencer, any time,” Rossi smiled back, then parked the car, announcing their arrival to the boy genius. “Oh, looks like we’re here.”

Hotch is also known for his brutal honesty, so when Spencer tells him about his crush while they’re driving to a destination for a case (much like the situation with Rossi, but they’re driving to the suspect’s family’s house now, instead of a victim’s) and Hotch tells him his feelings probably aren’t as hopeless and unrequited as he seems to think they are, Spencer thinks maybe he has enough nerve to finally tell Derek how he feels. But only maybe.

He sees the perfect opportunity to tell Derek one day when they’re partnered and on the way back from having just caught an unsub. They’re both still on the high they always get from catching one of the bad guys, and Spencer thinks the only thing that could make this day even better would be to end the day cuddled with a newfound boyfriend. 

But they’re also both tired from catching the unsb, an effect that chasing a grown man tends to have. He’s so tired he thinks he might start crying if he’s rejected. The crush is  _ that _ bad, and with no energy he really doubts he’d be able to stop the tears. Which means confessing could potentially be a very bad,  _ very _ embarrassing idea.

However, the team’s encouragements ring through his ears, egging him on, so he takes a deep breath and-

“I’m hungry. You wanna text the team and see if they want us to pick anything up on the way back to the hotel since room service and shit is probably closed by now?” Derek speaks up at what has to be literally the worst moment in history.

Spencer’s confidence is suddenly depleted and he nods numbly, feeling like there’s cotton around his tongue, “Oh. Uh, okay.”

Derek grins, and Spencer ends up going to bed without a boyfriend, which sucks, but also without crying in front of his crush, so that’s… a win? He settles on a rating of ‘Today Could’ve Gone Worse’.

Spencer wonders if maybe he’s just gonna die alone. After all, Derek clearly must like him if a team full of profilers say so, and he’s had multiple opportunities to confess, but he still hasn’t. So will he ever? Maybe he should pluck flower petals, or spin a wheel, or flip or coin, or  _ something _ . Except that he’s not particularly superstitious, and there’s a way to rig all of those if you’re smart enough (which he definitely is) which basically means there’s no point.

He does still have a few things going for him, which is basically just that, despite all the ways this crush seems to be messing him up, it still hasn’t touched his ability to work. Except for those few times where he becomes very worried for Derek and can’t focus on anything else but the older man’s safety. Spencer doesn’t really think that counts though, because all of his profiling and geographical analysis abilities are still intact. Plus, he can still spit facts like no one’s business and he doesn’t become a spluttering, stammering mess around Derek like some people apparently do around the object of their affection. And he doesn’t have the sleeping problems anymore (but he definitely does still want cuddles)! So, yeah, he’s still got some things going for him. 

He tries to focus on those things when his crush seems so overwhelming that there’s no way it’s not taking his life apart, brick by carefully placed brick.

Spencer can’t help but feel resentful every time he sees couples walking, hand in hand and openly affectionate towards each other. He’s jealous because they get to be with the person they love and be openly affectionate, yes, but also because most of those couples are the kind that would never face oppression for who they like. That’s not to say he doesn’t see gay or cross-race couples. Obviously he does. It’s the twenty-first century and you’re allowed to love who you want, of course. He’s just jealous of the straight couples because he wishes it was that easy. He wishes he didn’t have to wonder if Derek is even  _ able _ to feel romantic attraction towards him, considering his gender identity and all.

Those people don’t have that. They can just assume the person they like, at the very least,  _ possesses _ the capabilities to like them back. Sometimes it really, really sucks to live in a heteronormative society.

Spencer finally gets the guts to ask Derek what his sexuality is. Well, not quite. The team is all hanging out together and they’re at Rossi’s house (“How many times do I have to tell you? It’s not a  _ house _ , it’s a  _ mansion _ .”), splayed out on the floors and furniture and sharing fun facts. Emily makes some joke about being a lesbian, and a slight frown twists Spencer’s face as he pushes himself off of his cozy spot snuggled against Derek and into a sitting position. “Hey, how come we never officially came out to one another?”

JJ frowns slightly, too, shooting him a curious glance, “What do you mean?”

Spencer explains, waving his hands around to try to communicate his point, “Well, I’ve never outright  _ told _ any of you what my sexuality is, and Jayje, I didn’t even know you liked girls until-” He cuts himself off upon seeing the mortified expression on his blonde coworker’s face. “Well, nevermind. But you get my point, don’t you?”

JJ is nodding her head, and Emily speaks up from her place beside the blonde. “Okay, well, hi, team, I’m a lesbian. I know, you’re shocked, you never could’ve imagined this from  _ me _ of all people, but it’s true.” She sighs overdramatically, placing a hand over her forehead. “ _ Girls _ .”

Everybody cracks a grin at that, and JJ nods enthusiastically, “Girls  _ and _ boys. Hello, I’m Jennifer Jareau, and I’m your token disaster bisexual.”

Penelope grins, “I’m straight but I can admit girls are hot.”

Hotch nods in agreement, admitting, “There are some attractive men, though I would never enter a relationship with one.”

“Oh my god!” Penelope squeals excitedly as Emily’s eyebrows shoot up and JJ gives Hotch a teasing grin. “I didn’t even know you noticed men!”

Hotch shrugged slightly and turned to prompt someone else, clearly not eager to have all the attention on him during this particular conversation. “Rossi?”

Rossi hummed, clearly in thought, “I’ve never assigned a definitive label to myself, but I’ve slept with men and could see myself entering a relationship with one.”

Penelope freaked out again, clearly caught off guard but excited by the new information about their supervisor. “What! Really, Rossi!?” At his affirmation, she swiveleved her gaze to Spencer and Derek. “You two, spill.”

The boy genius smiled fondly at her antics and said simply, “I’m homoflexible.”

“Homo- What?” Derek spoke from behind him and Sencer shifted so his back wasn’t directly to the man.

“It means I’m mostly attracted to people of the same gender, but can experience attraction to those of different genders occasionally,” He explained, blushing slightly at how Derek seemed interested in this simple definition.

Emily laughed, shaking her head fondly, “Only Reid could turn a coming out into a lesson. Anyways, Derek, your turn.”

Derek grinned cockily in that stupid way of his, “I’m pan through and through, baby. I’d fuck or date anyone.”

Spencer’s eyes widen. Partially at his bluntness, but also, he just wasn’t expecting that He’d about convinced himself Derek was heteroromantic, but _oh_. Spencer was wrong, and he honestly couldn’t be happier about being incorrect.

Apparently Derek  _ is _ romantically attracted to men, too.  _ Oh _ .

It’s been about a week since Spencer found out he actually had a chance and he’s  _ still _ struggling to wrap his head around it. Derek, the womanizer, a  _ pansexual _ ? Not that he’s one to give into stereotypes, of course, it’s just… Maybe it’s just that he’s spent too long breaking his own hopes down so no one else could. Who knows? Not him.

The rest of the team have taken Derek’s coming out as some kind of an initiative to further encourage Spencer to tell the other man how he feels. It’s sweet, really, but it’s also starting to just annoy him. It does less to encourage him and more to aggravate him and make him regret telling them about his crush in the first place.

Of course, he also can’t go back and  _ un _ tell him. So he’s kind of stuck. He thinks he probably has two ways he could go. He could tell Derek and get this over with, or he could tell the team he’s over it and doesn’t even like him anymore. Of course, they are profilers, so the chances of them seeing through that are more likely than the chances of them not. The more he thinks about it, the closer he comes to the conclusion that he really should just tell Derek and get it over with him. Maybe if he’s lucky, a rejection will help him move on rather than make his pining even worse like he’s almost certain it will.

He wasn’t lying when he told Penelope he’d written a script what feels like forever ago. He had every intention to use it when he finally tells Derek what he feels, but no part of this whole situation has gone according to any semblance of a plan -just look at all his failed attempts to tell Derek and how every member of the team knows when Spencer was hoping it’d be more of a closed affair- so it makes sense that that would fall apart, too. 

He’s cuddled up with Derek on his own couch -instead of the older’s for once- and they’re marathoning Doctor Who. Derek clearly has no interest in it if the way he’s checking his phone is any indication, but he’s at least trying. It’s such a small thing but it means so much to the boy genius who absolutely adores this show. Spencer keeps glancing over at him, and finally Derek notices with a grin. “What?” He looks confused but he’s smiling at Spencer nonetheless.

Spencer bites down on his lip, contemplating an excuse, but instead takes a deep breath. “Derek, we’ve been friends for a long time-” He cuts himself off, face twisting into a determined expression. “Oh, fuck this.” He says angrily -angry at himself and what a disaster he is- and Derek barely even has time to open his mouth in an attempt to question Spencer before the genius is surging forward and their lips are pressed together.

He pulls back pretty quickly, not wanting Derek to feel uncomfortable or pressured. Derek pushes forward to kiss back, clearly surprised Spencer was the one to make the first move this time but not upset about it. “Wait,” Spencer presses a hand gently to Derek’s chest, holding him back. “That… That wasn’t-” He huffs, unsure how to go about explaining that  _ that _ kiss was a confession, not just a normal “hey-let’s-make-this-hang-out-another-hook-up” kiss.

“Spencer, what? Are you okay, kid?” Derek seems concerned, which is fair since Spencer is almost never speechless.

“I like you,” He blurts simply, surprised with himself. He’s not usually so impulsive.

Derek’s eyes widen but he quickly regains his composure. “I like you, too.”

“No, I mean, as more than a friend?” It’s such a cliched, common line, but he genuinely can’t think of any other way to explain it. It gets the point across, at least.

“You… have a crush on me?” Derek’s brow furrows and Spencer can’t really read his expression or figure out if it’s good or not.

Spencer groans, burying his head in his hands. His voice comes out muffled when he responds, “If you wanna use a middle school term, one which I myself have been using, then yes. Yes, Derek Morgan, I have a stupid crush on you.”

“Spencer,” He says, then goes quiet, clearly waiting for a response. He doesn’t get one, so he tries again. “Spencer.” Another pause. “Look at me, please.”

Spencer finally brings his head up, cheeks stinging with embarrassment. “What?” He questions, voice meek. “Do you really want that badly to see my face when you reject me?”

“Kid, what makes you so sure that I’ll reject you?” Derek questions with a fond smile, and confusion joins the cocktail of embarrassment and preliminary hurt on his face.

“Because…” He fumbles for an explanation, biting his lip before landing on, “Because I’m me? And you’re you?” He sounds confused with his own answer and it comes out as a question.

Derek laughs, “That’s a pretty shitty reason.” Spencer looks offended and Derek’s tone softens, “ _ Because _ I like you too, Spence.”

The genius’ eyes widen comically. Sure, he’d considered that there was a possibility, but… “You do!?” He hadn’t really let himself entertain that idea.

“I do,” Derek affirms, grinning openly at Spencer’s confusion.

“Holy shit.  _ Holy shit _ ,” Spencer cusses, surprised but clearly ecstatic.

The older grins at him, face full of fondness as he ruffles the genius’ hair. “I never said anything because I thought you were just looking for something casual and I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“I never told  _ you _ because  _ I _ thought it was casual!” Spencer shoots back, biting down hysterical giggles that threaten to bubble up.

“Wow, for profilers, we sure are bad at reading each other’s behavior.” Derek laughs openly, shaking his head at their combined stupidity.

“Everyone on the team knows. Honestly, I figured you did, too, and were just ignoring it and hoping it would go away if I didn’t say anything.” He confesses sheepishly.

Derek blinks, very slowly, and frowns. “They all knew?”

Spencer is suddenly worried again, “Um- Yes?” He says nervously, hoping Derek wasn’t upset by that comment or the fact that the team knew before Derek despite the fact that it was none of their business but it was his.

The older man starts laughing again and Spencer  _ melts _ , both put at ease by his laughter and in love with it. “They all knew  _ I _ liked you,” Derek says between chuckles and that sends Spencer into a fit of giggles. “They kept telling me to confess, kept saying shit like ‘Oh, I’m sure you have more of a chance than you think, hot stuff'. I guess that’s why, cause they knew you liked me. Did they say the same stuff to you?”

Spencer laughs harder at what’s clearly a poor impression of Penelope, almost doubled over and leaning against Derek. “Oh my- Oh my god,” He wheezes, out of breath. “They absolutely did. I can’t believe I was so worried about this. They’re all going to freak out when they realize we finally officially got our shit, and ourselves, together.”

“What if we didn’t tell them immediately?” Derek suggests, a schemeish grin spreading across his face.

“Absolutely, yes, they’ll hate us and it’ll be great.” Spencer agrees, a twin smile joining the clear joy on the genius’ face.

Derek stays over much longer than originally planned -he ends up staying for almost three whole days, and Spencer has a great time but he shoves him out eventually. It’d be too suspicious if they showed up together then said he had a boyfriend. The team would pick up on that easily- and by the time Monday and work rolls around, their plan is ready and practically foolproof. Well, it’s got a few flaws, like the fact that their affection might be easily detected by their fellow profilers but the point is they’ve done their best and it’s pretty damn good.

They last almost a month before putting their plan into action. Throughout that month, whenever someone tells them to confess, Derek’s answers will remain the same, but Spencer is supposed to be more firm about refusing. He thinks he’s done a good job.

They drive into work separately one Monday and arrive at their normal times. Spencer’s expression when first coming into the office is important. He’s supposed to look happy enough that someone asks him what’s up, but not so happy it appears obviously fake or concerning. He accomplishes this by just smiling subtly to himself while fixing his coffee. He waits carefully for someone to take the bait. If no one asks before he drinks his coffee, this part of the operation is as good as gone. Thankfully, JJ comes in to make her own coffee and notices something is up with her best friend. “Hey Spence, what’s got you in such a good mood?”

Spencer consciously has his smile widen at that part, dipping his head down sheepishly. He’s good at this. He knows body language and cues, so he also knows how to manipulate them. “I, um, I-”

Derek walks in now. He’s a bit earlier than usual, but that’s part of the plan too. “Hey, JJ, Reid.” He nods at them in a simple, appropriate greeting, then feigns confusion. “Wait, Reid, you look awfully happy for someone who hasn’t had their morning coffee. What’s up?”

Now is the part Derek confessed he doesn’t like. Apparently that’s because he’s got a bit of a possessive streak and the idea of Spencer being with someone else makes him jealous. Still, the genius has been careful to make sure the older man has been thoroughly prepared for this and they’ve come to the conclusion that some jealousy is good, since the whole team knows they like each other. Spencer trudges on, “I got a boyfriend.” He says in a way that seems sheepish, maybe a little embarrassed, but clearly happy about the situation.

Derek clutches his own mug tighter, but is careful not to do anything more. JJ blinks, surprised, then grins at her friend, “Spence! That’s great! What’s he like?” Spencer starts rattling off a pre-thought-out answer and JJ shoots Derek a look that’s obviously supposed to mean,  _ Did you know _ ? Derek shakes his head in response, like they’d decided he would. Spencer finishes rambling and JJ and him exchange a few more words, then all three of them leave to go do their work. Spencer can practically feel the gossip mill working already. Soon, the whole team will know, and Penelope will almost certainly crack by the end of the day and ask him who it is and if they know him. Then they’ll reveal that they’re now dating. It’s not a huge reveal or anything, but it has been a month and the team will absolutely lose their shit when they find that out. Spencer and Derek are counting on it being hilarious.

Today’s one of those days where they don’t get a case, which means Penelope is cornering Spencer as he’s heading back to his desk after his third cup of coffee. “So, Junior G-Man, apparently you’re dating someone?” Spencer nods his head, opening his mouth to affirm that  _ yes _ , he is dating someone, and that someone is Derek, but she cuts him off before he can get a single word out. “What about Derek!? And all of your pining?? I thought- I really thought you liked him, Spencer!” She seems genuinely upset and it almost makes him feel bad. Almost.

“Penelope, it  _ is _ Derek. We’ve been dating for almost a month now,” He could give her the exact time, but just saying a month is simpler. 

He cringes when Penelope’s immediate response is a very loud, shocked “WHAT!?” that sends the rest of the team running, concerned for their technical analyst. Literally, the whole team is there. Even Hotch has left his office. Today must really be a slow day.

“PG, are you okay?” Emily asks, always the kind to get to the point. “You’re not hurt, are you?” She starts looking the clearly pissed blonde over for injuries until Penelope swats her away, rounding on Derek.

She jabs him in the chest. “You- You and Spencer?? For a month?  _ And you didn’t think to tell me _ !?” She shrieks out, and now Derek is the one who’s cringing. Spencer really does kinda feel bad now. She was there throughout the entire pining thing, after all. Maybe they should’ve included her in their plan.

“Wait, Spencer, your  _ boyfriend _ is Derek?” JJ draws the conclusion from Penelope’s gibberish, and the team’s attention shifts to the two.

Spencer shrugs sheepishly, then nods, blushing, “I mean, yeah?”

“Good for you,” Rossi smiles, congratulating them, then heads back to his office, seemingly not shaken at all, which is pretty normal. Nothing ever seems to affect him. Scary man.

Hotch nods slightly and offers a “Congratulations.” Then he, too, is leaving. Also a scary man.

Meanwhile, the girls are all crowding them and Penelope has gotten over her sulking long enough to be happy for them and force them both into hugs.

“You finally got your shit together,” Emily says appreciatively, then grins. “And thank god, because otherwise I would’ve had to pay JJ twenty bucks. Speaking of, Jayje, you owe me.”

The blonde groans, reluctantly handing over a twenty and Spencer frowns, clearly confused. “Wait, what? You- You guys bet on us?”

Emily and JJ look sheepish for a moment, taking in Spencer’s confusion, before looking at each other and then bursting into laughter.

Penelope releases her vice grip on Derek, gaping at the girls. “You didn’t think to include me in the betting pool?” She pouts and they laugh harder, which makes her smile.

Derek walks over to Spencer, slinging an arm over his shoulders. The genius cuddles against him and they exchange fond grins as the girls continue bantering.

That night, after work, Derek asks Spencer if he’d like to stay the night. He can feel their teammate’s eyes on them as he accepts with a shy nod.

Emily wolf-whistles, which makes JJ and Penelope laugh and causes Derek to shake his head fondly. Rossi grins at them in a suggestive manner, cocking an eyebrow, and that makes Spencer blush more than Emily’s whistle did.

“I hate this family,” He mutters, meaning the opposite of the words.

On the drive to Derek’s place, with the older man belting the lyrics to some horrible song on the radio, Spencer does some thinking.

There’s so much darkness in the world, and the fact that their job even exists is proof of that. But there’s good too. Despite the fact the BAU is such a dark place, he’s made a family amongst the team there. He thinks the little things about them are the good. Like JJ’s smile, and Emily’s laugh, and Penelope’s nosy kindness, and the fondness that crinkles the corners of Hotch’s eyes when one of the team does something that makes him proud, and the way Rossi can still make jokes and laugh and love his team even after everything he’s seen and been through. There’s good in the late night kisses and cuddles he gets to share with Derek now, and the cheesy dates they get to go on. The world is dark, but Spencer still kind of feels like his life -or at least his family- is perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading !  
> if you enjoyed, please leave a comment and kudos  
> they make my day and give me the validation i so desperately crave
> 
> okay okay thank you <3


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